To those precious few (do they really exist?) who have been looking forward to my blog updates Thank you very much for your patience.
Anyway, I had so much extra writing and errands to do that I had to put off updating the blog for a while... (excuse again).
Now, in this article, I will consider the issue of "sharing household chores and childcare between husband and wife," which is a very popular issue in the world.
There is no shortage of talk about this topic on TV and on the Internet, and we see and hear about it all the time.
Since I have experienced two different situations, one when I was doing housework and childcare as a couple and the other when I was doing it alone, I can think from a different perspective than those who are in the midst of housework and childcare as a couple.
To tell the truth, there is an indescribable, blurred sense of discomfort that I feel about the tone of the public debate because I am in this position. I would like to write about it, but that is a topic for another time.
Some people say things like, "It's not sharing, it's joint," or "It's natural for couples to cooperate, not to participate," but from my point of view, this is not the time to get hung up on such superficial words.
Think quickly, and then take action. As you all know, there is no single right way to do housework or raise children. There is nothing more than the daily accumulation of trial and error. This is my sincere feeling.
At the root of this idea of "sharing housework and childcare as a couple" is what has been said for decades now: let's stop dividing roles based on gender, right?
In the past, the hard-sounding term "gender roles" was often used, but nowadays it seems to be heard less frequently.
Perhaps, I imagine, the need to use the academic term "gender roles" has diminished as public awareness of this issue has increased.
We are now long ago fully into the next phase. The ultimate goal would be to "make the world a place where an individual's way of life is less influenced by the sex (gender) defined by society.
We have come to understand (at least superficially) this ultimate goal, both in terms of laws and regulations and other institutions, as well as at the general public level. I would say that we will continue to move step by step toward our goal.
Nevertheless, it is a real challenge to realize this goal in the small world of "home," which is not an organization like a company. I think that is why there are still many arguments (also known as marital quarrels) about what is right and what is wrong.
Note that even if I just do a little research on the Internet, I can understand in an instant that we need to go into a very deep discussion about gender and the like that are involved here. Therefore, I will try to avoid using the word "gender" in this article as much as possible. I will try my best not to use the word "gender" in this article, because I might get pulled into a general discussion.
I intend to focus solely on the individual issue of "the division of housework and childcare by married couples. However, even just focusing on that, there are controversial discussions (almost "battles") in the world, so I will seriously consider it in my own way.
(This habit of long preface will probably never be fixed. Please forgive me.)
Now to the main issue.
I do not like to use bullet points or paragraphs such as "1" and "(1)" in writing that does not have a specific format, such as a blog. However, in a topic like this one, it is easy to organize the issues, so I will use it here.
1 General tone of the public
As far as the news and other sources are concerned, the average opinion would be as follows
Note that while there may be rare families with a male full-time househusband, it is overwhelmingly the case of full-time housewives (wife or woman devoted to housework) that are currently struggling with the issues described in this article. For the sake of clarity, I will basically assume here that it is the wife or woman who devotes herself to housework.
Wife's opinion
(1) "My husband rarely helps me with housework and childcare. I ask him to help me, but he doesn't. How can I get him to help me? How can I get him to help?"
(2) "Even though we both work, I, the wife, am burdened too much with housework and childcare."
(3) "Just because I'm a housewife, does that mean my wife has to do all the housework and childcare?"
Husband's opinion
(1) "Even though we are both working, I, the husband, am the main supporter of the family finances, so it is only natural that my wife should share more of the housework and childcare."
(2) "A housewife's 'job' is to do the housework. （It is natural for the wife to do all the housework (since she does not earn money). However, since the child is a gift from the couple, I want to help with childcare to the extent that I can."
(3) "As a father, I took parental leave and was actively involved in both childcare and housework. It is natural in today's gender-equal world for married couples to cooperate in housework and childcare (a bit smug)."
Well, that's a rough approximation, but to summarize what everyone is saying, this is the general impression I get.
In writing this article, I checked several websites, again and again, to see what I could find. As a result, aside from the media articles themselves, some of the public comments on them were so self-serving that they were hardly worth reading.
Frankly, I was appalled that there are still husbands out there thinking such outdated things. I even sympathized with them as someone else, saying, "It's tough on everyone.
2 Difference between a co-worker and a housewife (this is important)
Even if we speak of "sharing housework and childcare as a couple," the difference between whether the wife is a "full-time housewife" or a "working wife" is extremely important.
This difference will completely change the length of time each couple works and the weight of their burdens, in other words, the amount of time each has free (this, this!) ) will be completely different.
Furthermore, even if they say they are working, there is a big difference whether their work status is part-time or full-time, and it is clearly not fair to treat them in the same way.
For what it's worth, we are very grateful that they work and earn money. Because without money, people would not survive.
What's more, both housework and childcare can be outsourced if you pay for it. Today, more and more companies are offering housekeeping services such as laundry, cleaning, and cooking/shopping.
Whenever I remember, someone who has lived in Europe wrote on the Internet that in Europe, families with a certain level of income use not only babysitters but also household chore provision services, and quite a few people ask others for help with troublesome household chores.
On the other hand, Japanese people, even those with considerable wealth, do not seem to be willing to pay others to do their housework and childcare.
In the past, even in Japan, it would have been common for wealthy families to hire nannies to take care of the day-to-day details of childcare, saving their own mothers the trouble.
I do not know when on earth Japanese people started to think that it is not a good idea to pay for childcare. I hate to say this, but even day-care centers are paid to bring up children by others (in fact, one of my acquaintances once said, "It's easy because day-care centers bring up (children) for me.)
However, even among such Japanese, there are many who, without question, outsource the care of their garden plants and other such things. Is it that they don't mind leaving the garden to others, but they don't want people to enter their houses? I'm not sure what it is.
Well, it is difficult to say that because of the cultural differences between Japan and Europe. Or, there are many families who say, "If I had the money to outsource daily household chores, I wouldn't have such a hard time" (my family is one of them).
Most babysitters are probably good people, but if we look at reality, it is also true that incidents, though rare, do occur. Some people may feel uncomfortable leaving their children at home in the care of people they do not know well.
Sorry, I digress.
At any rate, if we classify them roughly, we need to assume three main forms in considering the division of housework and childcare between husband and wife.
Co-workers (one of them part time)
Co-workers (both full time)
One is a stay-at-home mom (the other works full time)
Furthermore, some people add to this a very labor-intensive and obligatory task of a different kind than housework and childcare, such as caregiving. And if the wife is responsible for the majority of these tasks........It is easy for anyone to imagine that it would double, or even triple or quadruple, the sense of burden.
As a matter of course, there are so many different forms of families. I feel that this very important factor, the difference in the working styles of married couples, has not been adequately discussed on TV, newspapers, and other media where airtime and word counts are limited.
Of course, if it were a scholarly paper or a conference with panelists, we would be talking about a different dimension. Not that I am a researcher, so I don't have the time or the need to go into that much research.
This is because I earn a living and do all kinds of housework and childcare, all by myself, every day.
I have no relatives nearby who can help me, and I really, really have had very little help from others with housework and childcare. Even though I have only one child and I only started raising her by myself when she started elementary school, it is still more than enough work.
Anyway, no matter what happens, I will never give up and will do my best to get through it. I don't have much money, but I have the wisdom and guts necessary to survive. This is my strength (says I).
3 Conclusion
Now, let me give you my conclusion at this point. It is a fairly simple, or rather, easily understood story.
What is a fair guideline for a couple to share housework and childcare,
Whether it is paid or unpaid work, make adjustments so that the average hours worked are the same for the couple when compared over a period of about one week.
That is to say.
In short, whether it is a job that brings in money or a job that does not bring in money, but requires both mind and body (housework and childcare are typical examples), the time each couple spends on average over a period of about one week for the family should be close to the same. This means that the couple must be willing to cooperate with each other in order to achieve this.
If you follow this rule, it doesn't matter if you are a co-worker or a housewife.
There are many idealistic people who say, "Problems can be solved if couples talk it over," but it is because couples are not able to talk things over that they are actually struggling, isn't it?
It is not so easy to change the status quo by discussing things with a partner who is old-fashioned in his/her thinking or unable to put himself/herself in the other person's shoes. In this respect, I believe that the rules I advocate are the best, at least in terms of rationality.
4 Extra (also important here)
Everyone is bickering, getting angry, and venting their frustrations over this and that complicated thing.
But I think. If you talk over and over again and still can't understand each other, it is an option to take a different path.
Time in your life is finite. You must carve out your own path. Always keep that determination in the back of your mind.
Some time ago, a guitarist was interviewed in a music magazine about the chemistry between a guitar student and a teacher. That part of the interview still leaves a strong impression on me. Let me write the main point of the interview as far as I can remember (the detailed wording differs from the original).
If you feel that you don't get along with this teacher, find another one quickly. Japanese people tend to be patient, saying things like, "Someday we will understand each other," but please don't waste your time on such useless things.
Unlike an average person like me, this guitarist is a true first-class person. His persuasive power is different. After all, people don't have time for unnecessary compromises.
I also want to emphasize here that exploring a different path is in no way contradictory to staying on the same path while compromising well. It is just one of life's essential tasks to explore new possibilities.
Parents, relatives, and not-so-close friends. They offer you "nudge" based on their own values and rules of thumb. They are often biased.
Instead, it is better to rely on professionals whose profession is to counsel others, such as doctors, counselors, and lawyers, for more objective and reliable advice.
And the last person you can count on is "yourself". Then there are "good friends", at least in number. Remember this.